Jesus Gets It
I've been swinging emotionally today, and that's not too surprising. I have days like this. There are periods when I feel like I'm okay, when I feel balanced and emotionally regulated, but there are definitely days when the internal storms rage with the occasional scattered moments of sunshine. And trying to shift my emotions on these types of days requires significant effort and is met with major resistance. If you've ever tried to bike up a steeply inclined hill against a heavy wind, that's the kind of effort and resistance I'm talking about. It's weird how turbulent emotions want to stick. I can almost hear the internal chatter, "But I want to be depressed/angry/anxious! I don't want to feel happy/grateful/calm."
When I was actively engaged in brain-rewiring, I was continually reminded that a dysregulated nervous system is a sign of limbic system impairment. Basically, certain types of trauma or perhaps a series of trauma can trigger the parts of the brain that manage the fight/flight/freeze responses to become overactive and also to get stuck on a loop, which then leads to dysfunctional and chronic emotional, mental, and physical responses. I had chosen to participate in a program that teaches individuals how to "rewire" or "retrain" their brain and nervous system and I was an A+ student. In other words, I followed the program to the letter and I not only did I not heal, I got worse...and worse...and worse. The symptoms that would likely have healed if my issue really was a limbic one, didn't. And that's because I had been misdiagnosed with Lyme disease when I was actually dealing with a spinal meningioma. Same symptoms, different cause.
I haven't done brain-rewiring for a long time. Even though it wasn't really the fault of the program that I didn't heal while participating in it, I still lost faith in it's promises; it was such an immense let down to make such an incredible effort only to continually get worse. Have you ever felt that way about anything? For instance, how about the promises of God? Have you ever felt let down when God's promises didn't come true for you? I know I have. It can be hard to keep our faith intact when that happens, but I've discovered that coming to know God better makes it easier.
I think what's hard about having faith is that we often misunderstand God's involvement in our lives. I know, at least for myself, I have wanted God to be a lot more involved and to prevent a lot more sorrows and trials than He has. This is why it's been important for me to learn to differentiate between the following: God does not "cause" these things to happen; however, He does often allow them to. Did God cause the meningioma? No. Did God allow it to go undetected for decades? Yes. Perhaps this is an oversimplification of the workings of our Creator. I get it, God's ways cannot be fully understood. But, for me, it helps. It helps me to recognize that He does step in and prevent a lot of things that could have gone very, very bad. And then, sometimes, He doesn't. I don't always know why He steps in when He does, but I figure He's got His reasons and I've come to believe that He always has my ultimate good and growth in mind, as well as all the others my life happens to come in contact with.
The latter point is something I've been pondering on a lot, lately. It's made me feel a bit unsettled, in a self-centered 2-year-old sort of way, that perhaps God doesn't fix things that I want fixed because not fixing it right away fits better into His plan. For example, perhaps not fixing it right away means that other people get to learn and grow from my not being fixed. It's caused my faith to stretch and grow a bit to think about how maybe God needed the doctors who helped me to learn from my experience so they could help others He wants them to help in the future. Or, perhaps, he needed me to have such a miraculous healing experience to help others believe in Him more. Speculations aside, it is true that our challenges and suffering can serve a greater purpose in demonstrating God's works and glory (John 9:3).
One personal example I have is a conversation I had with a friend who has had long-term health challenges. She cried as she expressed how grateful she was that I could understand how it is for her. Chronic health issues can be very lonely and exceptionally isolating. It's especially hard when we seem okay some days, but not other days. Do others believe us? Can they imagine what we're going through to have a semi-functional body that looks pretty well from the outside but breaks haphazardly and often unpredictably so that we can't participate in the world in a reliable way? It means a great deal when another person finally "gets it." And it meant so much to my friend that I was able to speak to the realities she faces every day. If another person truly understands our challenges, God has allowed them to experience similar challenges. Not that we want that for another person, but if you've ever experienced the relief of being so uniquely understood, you know it's something to praise God for. So, I'm growing in recognizing that I can be thankful when God heals me right away, and also when He doesn't. Also, even though I've still have a lot that I'm working on healing from emotionally and physically, I know that Jesus gets it:
"And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11-12).
There is honestly no earthly treasure I could ask for that could possibly compare to the type of understanding Jesus offers me. It is precious and I praise God that He allowed Jesus to suffer so that He could know how to be with me in my suffering.