Enduring Trials with Jesus: Part 2
Today, during my scripture study, I came across some scriptures on the topic of God's protection. As I was reading Psalm 145:20, I noticed my thoughts. It went like this:
"The Lord preserveth all them that love him..." Except when He doesn't.
I realized that my thoughts reflected the issue I'm having at the moment with reconciling the reality that many times Jesus doesn't show up the way I would have hoped or expected. My relationship with Jesus has been complicated...on my end, anyway.
A few years prior to my health taking a catastrophic nosedive, I had overcome a major hurdle in my relationship with Jesus--I had finally started being real with Him. What I mean by that is that I began to actually see Him as someone I wanted to have a relationship with, someone that I wanted to share my heart and thoughts with, someone that I could trust...or at least wanted to trust. Sometimes my desire to see Jesus as trustworthy has been all I could offer to Him. I feel like it's been enough, that He understands and doesn't expect more from me.
From the beginning of 2020 through the end of 2022, I felt the nearness of Jesus more than I ever have, but I also experienced the reality that He will allow suffering and pain beyond what I thought a mortal body and mind could experience without dying.
Through those years, I gradually lost more and more bodily capacity and functioning. Near the end, I recall one day out of many that I was lying on my bed in unfathomable pain. Breathing was difficult. My brain was screaming "Run, run, run!!" as if I were being chased by a tiger. Heavy doses of fight or flight chemicals were being poured into my system, yet I was nearly completely paralyzed and unable to move on my own. There was no way and no where to run, but my brain didn't know that. The tiger was inside of me--a tumor wrapped around the top of my spine, and there was nothing I could do to escape. At that moment, I didn't know there was a tumor, but I knew other things. For instance, I knew I would lose my eyesight next. I don't know how I knew it, but I did. I also knew that I would keep losing functioning in my body until I was dead. I knew I was dying. You can't know what it feels like to die until you've experienced it, so don't ask me how I knew. I just knew.
At that time there wasn't any room for processing the trauma of this experience. I had reached to Jesus for healing and here I was dying and there was only survival. Every labored breath was a prayer. Seriously. Every breath. I never knew what it was like to "pray without ceasing"1 until I was at this point.
When the tumor came out, the pain was gone, my functionality and bodily capacities returned speedily, and I was absolutely stunned with gratitude and joy. I praised the Lord for His tender mercies and praised Him for healing me. Every day, every easy breath, every reclaimed movement was a miracle. My thoughts were high and I felt that from then on I would shout from the rooftops praises to God. But within a few months I was confronted with the reality of having survived a traumatic health event. When one has survived a traumatic experience, there's a need for healing in the mind and the spirit that can even surpass the body's healing timeline. Overall, my body feels good, but it is still healing. However, my mind and spirit are healing at an even slower rate. It's just going to take time.
The thing about Jesus, and this I know from all I've been through in my life with Him, is that He doesn't always show up the way I want but I know He's there. He shows up. Sometimes He's the only one who shows up. And He's so loving, so compassionate, so full of goodness. But I still feel angry with Him because I don't understand Him. I feel like He gets it, though. He is infinitely kind and patient. I really don't understand all the reasons why He allowed me to go through what I went through and I've cried a lot about it. It can get scary to feel like, "Jesus, I know that I have to trust You to get through this life, but how can I trust You when You don't respond in a way I can understand?" But here's the thing, why would I ever give up on Jesus just because I don't understand His ways? He has been the one who has never given up on me, who has been with me in the dark of the night when I was totally alone and had no one else to help me. He sustained me when I thought I couldn't possibility survive one more moment. I have felt His love in distinct and meaningful ways. Even though my relationship with Jesus has not been comfortable or convenient, it has been absolutely worth everything.